so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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