There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
