I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize