Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
