Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
