I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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