my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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