I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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