Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
