She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
