Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize