I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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