Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
