Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize