Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
