I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
