I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
