i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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