at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
