Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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