Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
