the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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