apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
