Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
