i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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