She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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