she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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