just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
