So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
