I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
