The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
