MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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