Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
