found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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