Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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