Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
