Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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