can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize