I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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