why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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