my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize