Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
