I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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