u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
