My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
