well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
