My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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