atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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