im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
