so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
