i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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