I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
