You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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