I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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