my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
we're so committed to being not committed
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
