Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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