My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
it's great music for shaving your balls
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
