I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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