I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Randomize
